rushrushrushrushRUSHRUSHRUSHRUSH

when you asked me if i was ready to die, the first thing i felt was. for you i would do anything, even die.
when i thought about it (because it was the only thing i could think about) i realized that i dont want you to WANT to die. i want you to be happy, and he hurt you. although yes i was happy he is gone. I cannot understand how he could do that to you. look at you, your beautiful, kind, loving and generally just amazing person. its his loss, really it is. YOU ARE AMAZING. how anyone could hurt you i don't know, it genuinely confuses me, honestly.
i love you. you cant break a promise to me, not that promise. i will not let you.

i want to skin him alive for doing this to you.
i cannot believe i didn't see it, how could i have missed that!? i picked up on jordan, but i guess the way you talked about him around me was to hide it, not because you felt really felt that way, maybe thats the way you thought you should have felt. i dont know. to lie and say it didnt hurt, is a lie. but now the more i think about it it hurts more
you felt the same thing i feel for you when you were with him.
when he touched you.
when he texted or talked to you.
when he kissed you.

this is me being selfish. just for a minute.
you wanted to sleep with him, not just because it was sex.
i understand that now.you hung out with him because you wanted to, not because it was easier.
at anna's when you were holding him, kissing him. i thought you hated it and wanted it to be me.

no, how wrong was i, you were happy to be there with him.
when i told you that secret that almost destroyed me, you wanted to go back so he could make it better.
i held your hand, but he held your heart.


that was my slefishness, now when you read it you will say sorry to me. DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!

you said today "he said sorry to me, as if that will help things" you got angry when he said sorry, dont say it to me.

i'll make this car wreck of a mess our paridise again. i promise. i wont break mine if you wont break yours.


take me back to gore. where i can be no one, hurt no one.
x