sheila winn...

absolutly amazing.
you were perfect. everything about it, especially your low cut top, which i admit did capture my attention 60% of the time ;)

i put up with him being there, with help from hannah and tylah holding my head to the seat.
but you really were AMAZING. i'm so proud of you angel.

and i love you so much too.
xxxxxx

lies!! all lies

fuck i hate chapel, its a fucking cult. i refuse to be apart of a cult that praise's someone that gives people their sight. FUCK YOU, lies all lies.

its not that i don't BELIEVE in god. i just refuse to believe that fucking Jew Jesus preformed miracles. ugh.
what a joke.
i will never sing to him.

SCREW YOU DANA BOND! make gore proud not loose!!!!!!
ugh

ahh

i love her.
TWO OF THE BEST TINGS!! ruby AND little big planet!!!! like OMG!

so very cute..


I think im whipped...damn rove

!!

BRIT!!!

i love ruby rose
sorry emily. but she is my new love :)

x

heaven would be me renting a hotel room, and you falling asleep in my arms.
x

i'll make my heaven on earth

<<<333

If you are scared. i will protect you.
If you are sad. i will comfort you.
If you are angry. i will be your punching bag.
If you are happy. i will smile with you.
If you are stressed. i will help you relax.
If you are alone. i will be there.

I believe, just like you do. the difference is that i follow my heart, not my head. because if i follow my head. i know its wrong.
The bit about him loving everyone for who they are. true. sins can be forgiven. true.
and the problem with that part is what?

you shouldn't be worried about them leaving you. they should be worried about losing you because your the most precious thing.
If they lost you, that's their loss! not yours.
but i know how you feel. i wont argue.

best scenario...
you tell them. they act, as you expect, but ultimately decide that your happiness is most important and accept you.
If that was the case then i would do my very best to charm and impress your family. you'd be lucky if they loved you as much as they would love me after that.. then you really would be unloved
:)

you have NO idea how badly and how often i am tempted to kiss you. or forget where we are and want to touch you, kiss you, hold you.
that would shut Hannah up about Alex for a good 5minutes I'd say.

wow...

I talked to you today.
I miss you so much.
When i talk to you, i cant help but be happy. Excited even.
You got me through so much in my life.
You were always there for me no matter what.
Thank you for listening to me again.
I could never replace you.
I love you
xo

Flightless bird, American Mouth

I know you wont decide for yourself, i know you don't want to hurt me or leave me.
but i see how much this hurts you. lying to your family. I know how much they mean to you.
and i also hear it in your voice that you know, deep down, we wont work.
it breaks me apart hearing that in your voice, seeing it in your eye's.

i hate it.
i should leave but i cant stop being selfish...
i know what i have to do, I'm just to self centered to let you go, to give you what you need, even though you might not want it.

i can't give you some things. i wish i could. i so badly want to be able to give you them.
If only i had that one urge that could fix it, if that was what i needed to do to feel like myself then it would work. But i cant, even though it has the possibility to help. i can not do that one thing.
i wouldn't be me. i want to be with you as i am, not as someone else.

To leave you is the most painful thing i have ever thought about.
But. . . i have to do it.
sooner rather than later i know that.
i just don't have the strength to right now. I don't feel like i can leave you and be ok.

writing this feels like its final, its not. i will always love you.ALWAYS.
Till the day i die, whenever that may be
we have to talk, before the holidays.
we really do.
your my angel, my everything.
It hurts to say your better off without me.

Remember when we were this happy?










I'll forever love you Emily.
Ek Het Jou Lief, i know it's reciprocated my love.









xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

haga..

"i wish we could start over, can we start over"

i like that, can we do that? just.. start over like what it was last year when i spent my time obsessing over you, looking at you then quickly looking away before you noticed. flirting my heart out, hoping you would notice but at the same time hoping you wouldn't. because if you did notice AWESOME! you spoke my language, i had a chance, but if you didn't notice that means you weren't into that..
yeah that's how my mind works.
flirting is fun for me. keeps me interested. I'm a serial flirter... yeah i flirt with most people i meet. ^_^
its just who i am
we don't flirt as much any more...
i think we should... all the time. like we used to :)

xxx

i kind of feel like dying
jumping off the balcony is tempting, very very tempting.

i want to end it, not in the suicidal way.
there's a tiny part that wants to be free. . .
but i cant. I really really don't want to. . i cant ignore that tiny part though.

but i will never leave. never end it. never be separated from what i love.
it hurts just a bit TOO much, i said i wouldn't let it happen again.

oh well.

ek het jou lief
xx

iiiiiii tunes

today i got depressed. fuck writing.
_____________________________
Open your player and:

Total number of tracks: 2241

Sort by sone title:
-First song: A.M. E.M. - Minuit
-Last song: Zombie Stomp - Rob Zombie

Sort by time:
-Shortest song: Incoming - Hilltop Hoods (0:16)
-Longest song: Club Mixes Hip hop Mix - Dj Whity (57:48)

Sort by album:
- First song: Drop - Ying Yang Twins - A.T.L. Hole
-Last song: All your love - Hellogoodbye - Zombies! Aliens! Vampires!

Top 10 most played songs:
1. Master Of Puppets - Metallica
2. Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
3. Let Me Sign - Rob Pattenson
4. Kandyland - Brokencyde
5. Young - Hollywood Undead
6. Paradise Lost - Hollywood Undead
7. A Hofasho - Brokencyde
8. Shooting star party rock remix - LMFAO ft Pitbull
9. Bawitdaba - Kid Rock
10. Indestructible - Disturbed

Five first songs that come up on Party Shuffle:
1. this cocain makes me feel like im on this song - System of a Down
2. Lit Up - Blindspott
3. In my head - queens of the stone age
4. Tipsy - T-pain
5.This Love - Pantera

Search.....
"sex" how many come up? 18
"love" how many come up? 104
"you" how many come up? 235
"death" how many come up? 35
"hate" how many come up? 25
"wish" how many come up? 4

I AM :

amazing
fantastic
perfect
beautiful
loving
caring
sympathetic
warm
passionate
affectionate
devoted
adoring
wonderful
excellent
bizarre
outstanding
impressive
ideal
second to none
flawless
faithful

no other girlfriend would be OK with you having a boyfriend, kissing him. being with him.

but in order for you to be happy and for us to work, i will give you anything.

the paranoia in me is nothing, because look at the big list of everything that i am!!
how can you resist me!
YOU CANT, i just keep reminding myself that.
And it will work

aside from cooking in my own skin, today was good!
my tiger costume was like totally hot! literally, and it put me in a odd cuddly mood... i figure because i look cuddly ( and i totally was ) i feel cuddly.
everyone was cuddly, especially you :)

today Kelsey and I defaced a car outside Rangi... that was fun










started off clean









ended up like this..










we were stoked
xx

ironic that his name is Chris

i LOVE chris
he is my idol
he lived the life i'd love to live, with the people he loved.
he is off skins. like OMG he is was fucking awesome, him and cassie are like..my idols. more chris though.

too bad about him though. oh well... bad things happen to good people.
but FUCK IT for chris!
i want to live like he did, fuck everything else but what matter's

x

schizophrenia

BROKENCYDE

say it fast enough..you can hear my feelings. too bad I'm too different to feel a thing atm.
so this band name is the closest i can get to actually saying whats inside
i want to be a whore.
:)

"get crunk get drunk get fucked up"

"your so fucked up"

"I'm trapped inside this cage tonight! you torture my brain with blades and knives! I need you to try to save my life! before i go insane!"

"shut the fuck up bitch, quit talking. I want to see those panties dropping. drop dropping. drop dropping. drop those fucking panties girl!"

"I'm looking good and you know it too. so tell me why should i, fuck with you."

i love brokeNCYDE

'edward leaned his head against the same shoulder where he'd placed Renesmee. "goodbye, Jacob, my brother...my son" '

TEAR

' "now you know," I said lightly, and shrugged. "no one's ever loved anyone as much as i love you." '

' And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever '

i have a tiger suit, i'm going to wear it tomorrow.
It will be so cool.
I'm cool.

x

too much...

READ THIS CHRIS FOLEY

fuck you! HA, i'm back to normal finally.
it feels AMAZING.

THAT. reminded me of her. just how she act's..acted. back then.
good.
that's what i needed.
i don't even know whether that was sarcasim or not.

Te Puku Paekaua

is it better? are those the wrong choice of words?

is it... tolerable now?

will i be able to let go and relax now?

sometimes its better, sometimes its not.. it changes almost hourly.. like today..started ok, went to bad and by the end of it we were laughing together on the couch..

the stress of always having to be in control hurts my head :(

I'm so confused

we work something out.. but it keeps coming back

I think we need to have a proper talk.. not over text or in a spare ten minutes where you have to see me..

a talk where we can sit down without being pressured to get it out quickly because you have to leave soon or cant stay long.

some might call this a date.

but how crazy is that idea.. actually going on a DATE with my girlfriend. PFFT

i know that makes me sound..bitchy..thats not how i meant it.. its just the way it came out

i WANT to help..i really do. trust me. i just don't know how.. we will figure it out together.. and it will be fine.

that initial.MAJOR feeling of yours will go away, i promise. i will help. It will get better.

remember i cannot lie to you.. so when i say it will get better..i must be telling the truth right?! lol

ONE A BRITER NOTE

gore was AMAZING this weekend, if i hadn't spent sunday there too it would have been premo!

it was just so relaxed..no stess i could completly relax without that little feeling inside me. it was so SO cool

i would like to do it again sometime..only with one small thing changed.

ok im done

ek het jou lief

xxxx

. . .LMFAO

HIS name starts with C. HE is a asshole. HE should have been left to die in the gutter last night. but NO...HE is still fucking alive and in my fucking way.
I'll kill HIM. i swear to god i will fucking kill HIM with my hands wrapped around HIS neck, i will not let go till HE is breathing no more.

and no, I'm not talking about Callum, my hands wouldn't fit around his neck.

kill kill kill. . .die die die
arrogant piece of crap that HE is, UGH.

OK that's my wee angry note..

hmmm I'm scared to lose you, lose you to him. i don't want to not have you in my life.
i feel like what you are saying to me, you say to hi also.
when you say he doesn't mean a thing, that you feel sick whenever you kiss him or touch him, that you don't love him..what if that is how you feel about me, not him.
i don't know why i think this..because it doesn't make sence, why would you do that. it wouldn't achieve anything except hurting me because no one knows so its not like your doing it for a cover..
I'm just to insecure about everything. you know?

i do love you, its not just lust..like i thought. i love you.
but what if I'm not all you want, what if i cant give you what you want. what if you love someone else.
one of them. the one you said you could love. how will i cope when he comes back and you actually like spending time with him, being with him, kissing him..

i wont pretend that it doesn't make me want to throw up. That i don't wish i could you let be happy.
it hurts to much angel. but if i keep ignoring this, if it happens, i wont no how to deal with it. I'll break. on the other hand if i deal to it now and its never an issue what if there's a chance i interfere with my feelings..or lose them. it would be hard,but what if...

just because you can spend time with him..does that mean you have to?
i know, I'm selfish..but can you blame me..YOUR PERFECT!
and perfection is so addictive, once you've had it..nothing will ever compare
nothing will compare to the way you look at me, the way your touch makes my stomach flip over itself, the way when you kiss me all thought and rational thinking goes out the window. The things that I've seen..I've never seen anyone or anything so beautiful and perfect.like WOW.
so anyone else..will never compare to the perfection of you.
so I'm pretty much fucked if you fall for one of them aren't i?!

You've changed me so much angel. I don't know how but you have..you have this calming effect on my..you bring out the child in me.
and i enjoy it, you separate me from my mind and allow me to have fun.
i love you, always have always will.

as for the other two..do what makes you happy.

Pretty Little Things

ITS BETTER

well mostly, the freak out i had, there is no need for it so i suppose you could say, its better! :)
i actually had fun today, i cant explain why but for some reason it felt normal and back to the way it used to be. there wasn't to much going on in the back of my head so i could relax alot more.
i loved it.
i love you too, you make me so completely happy ^_^

one day, i will give you this ring, and it will be AWESOME


but only if you want that one..maybe this one..i like them both

hmm so yes..lol
bubi x

No added sugar or preservitivs

no words can describe the INTENSITY of last night, it was BIG. so much ahppend, so much was said and shared with everyone.

1. im so glad you told me that, that you trust me enough with that secret. its a big thing. he sounds cute though..i'll always be here if you need it. like i told you.
2. im so sorry i did that to you, i should have kept it to myself. you dont deserve this, what im doing to you. i will fix it, and that will be the end of it. no more drama, no issues, just you and me.
3.you never told me, never mentioned it. not once. how many times? did he satisfy you? she is one of your best friends, how did it happen? did you say the same to him as me? were you going out with jordan at the time? or was it after, when it was just me and you? these questions..i cannot get them out of my head.

i dont know what to do. its scary.
i need gore
xoxox

.....

my worst mistake was doubting you.
im so sorry.
please forgive me, you know i am fucked up, i've let you into the inner workings of my mind and you know how screwed i am.
i trust you, you KNOW that. I cannot lie to you, it's to hard. thats why i have to tell you everything i think because you ask me how i am.

no matter what, i will always be insecure babe. im not perfect, and even though i trust you more than i trust anyone ( hell id trust you with my metallica songs! thats ALOT of trust x )
but i still feel like you would/could leave me at any moment because of the simple fact. im not good enough for you. i never have been. you deserve to be happy and to have fun and all of those things that make life worthwile. i dont know if i can give you that, i dont see myself as able to make you happy because i fall in comparison to you, your an angel, perfect in everyway. no flaws what so ever.
so, you see, i dont deem myself worthy of you and so i think you will leave me at any time to have someone thats closer to how perfect you are.

and the family thing is hard to get over soo...

i love you and..
im sorry
x

...

You cannot come to gore with me at all this year, nor can you travel anywhere i am and i do not have the right to be upset or angry about that.
you do not belong to me, i understand that.
your family come's first it always will, i understand that too.
so i have faced the most horrid truth yet, one that i cannot deny or hide or pretend that i dont see, because its to big. I would lie if i said to you i dont care if i get hurt, i cannot lie to you. its impossible.
i DO care if i get hurt by this, if my heart is broken again it will not heal, this time it will be final.
i dont want to hurt it, but in order to keep it from being broken i feel like i must.
i dont even want to say it because i know when you know what i know, if you havn't already realized that you will understand what i'm saying and agree with me and ultamatly, thats what will hurt. because you will leave me and i will have nothing.

i want to tell you.
i dont want to lose you.
i want to be selfish.
i dont want my heart broken.
i want you to THINK like i do.
i dont want you to choose for me.

im so sorry.
this is TO hard.

BUT
i will keep fighting until you finally say the words i dont want to hear, but know are bound to come.
just dont choose the wrong one because once its done, i wont be around for you to change your mind.

ek het jou lief my angel
forever and always
untill i die
xxxxxxxxxx

.

I HATE CHRIS FOLEY


die