Has it really all happened

We had made it....

We finally talked about everything

We supported one another

We dedicated all we had to what we had

But it broke and i am scared this time it is really over....

I just wish you could open your present now and know I will love you forever

Happy Ever After?

...Please say yes

...death is peaceful

12 days off a year of happiness.

isn't that a shame, my fault though.

now that the person i was living for is gone is it worth it?

no, its not.

home? :) :(

R.I>P

jessy i love you :'(

i will never forgive brook's 'THING' for doing that to you

i'm going home

yay?

or

nay?

i'm actually happy about it. But at the same time so completely sad

agah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again
Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade...

.

miss my air.

miss my town.

miss my life.

and what..

this was a long time ago wan't it?



sigh

emmy

i just..i just feel like if i go and do my own thing, if i live my life. then you will go away, you will find someone else and get over me.
that's why i wont do anything but follow you, because I'm scared if i don't, i will lose you.

i want a red rose

fran might die toight.
i might kill her.
i might go to jail.

oh well, what do i lose?

wooo

i love you


you looked so amazing my angel.









it was a good night.
kind of.
aside from that one little thing.

xoxx

this can end in two ways.

1. you are honest with yourself, your friends and your family.
you stop being ashamed of who you are, stop caring what people thing. You witnessed it today, the people who really care about you are happy for us. they are your/ our true friends. not the ones who dont care.
You love me and trust me and know that even if everyone hates you, i will get you through it. I will save you and protect you from everything.

or

2. we will continue like this, you will hide. I will be in pain. You will say sorry and i will forgive you. We will continue like this until one of us leaves. and breaks the other ones heart. Circle of death kind of thing.
It will be hard and difficult and have more days like we did today. We will continue to be happy with each other but really have nothing.

these are our two options.
I do trust you, I know you will never mean to hurt me.
But it will happen wont it? No false hope.


Ek Het Jou Lief
but is that enough?

xxx

<33

we would be better apart.

but i don't want to do it.
because even though i know you would be better off in the long run without me.
I'm to scared.

Today was hard and i didn't enjoy it one bit.

But I was happy I cried in front of you,

I don't cry, I'm not allowed to cry, but I could not stand in front of you and hide it.

I was happy I cried, that you could see me like that, it means you really are the dearest person in my life. 

I trust you. (I do not trust anyone else in my life)

and I hope you trust me to, because when I promise you I will never hurt you again- I mean it and will stick to it!

Your sad? your in pain? your hurt? 

Im not really sure, but I know something is wrong (no shit) and I have this very strong need to help! Your so special to me that I stress and panic because I don't know what to do. 

So for now I'm here just waiting, but if there is anything I can do to make it better, please come to me, ask it of me, talk to me....

Because well, I love you Princess always have always will

xxx Ek het jou lief 

ARNOTT'S Tim Tam

i like tim tams.
:(
i am captian depresso..

:D

he never deserved you, your far to good for him. He had NO right to treat you the way he did.
You are an amazing person and he didn't appreciate you.
I will never treat you like that.

And as for her, she has dug herself a hole she won't easily get out of, talking to hope and ash in computers made me realize even her friends hate her for this. And if you let her live (which it didn't look like you were going to).. I SHOT GUN NEXT IN LINE!
there i said it... so I'm next! got it!

I hate the male species. They are all fuckers. Except Ryan, he is a 'good cunt'

:)

mmm yummy in my tummy

;)

again

RIP Erika,
We had our differences. But i'm sorry for it all. I hope you forgive me one day for leaving you.
xxx

.You havn't text me back.

I hurt because of you right now, I've never admitted this till now.
Text me back, i need to talk to you.

You gave me false hope.

xxxxx

i'm scared of the truth

Remember...please

I'm always here for you.

No matter what 

Even if its to hard and you don't want me here.

I'll still be here. Just waiting until you are ready 

(there is no hurry- I'm not going anywhere)

Hang in there Princess

Ek he jou lief 

xxxxx

so sorry

i'm pushing you away because it is easier.
sorry baby.
:(

it wont be easy for you
x

yeha

over over over, it is over
don't care anymore.

be happy with jordan, not chris.
at least he treats you like the angel you are.

:(
andy

xxx

: END

RIP andy..

xxxxxxxxx

..tehe

we broke up.

and it was automatically better.
i lost you. and everything was just better, easier.
its like we started again, we did start again, even though it was over something trivial. it was good. we are better now and i'm happy to have you back :)

rushrushrushrushRUSHRUSHRUSHRUSH

when you asked me if i was ready to die, the first thing i felt was. for you i would do anything, even die.
when i thought about it (because it was the only thing i could think about) i realized that i dont want you to WANT to die. i want you to be happy, and he hurt you. although yes i was happy he is gone. I cannot understand how he could do that to you. look at you, your beautiful, kind, loving and generally just amazing person. its his loss, really it is. YOU ARE AMAZING. how anyone could hurt you i don't know, it genuinely confuses me, honestly.
i love you. you cant break a promise to me, not that promise. i will not let you.

i want to skin him alive for doing this to you.
i cannot believe i didn't see it, how could i have missed that!? i picked up on jordan, but i guess the way you talked about him around me was to hide it, not because you felt really felt that way, maybe thats the way you thought you should have felt. i dont know. to lie and say it didnt hurt, is a lie. but now the more i think about it it hurts more
you felt the same thing i feel for you when you were with him.
when he touched you.
when he texted or talked to you.
when he kissed you.

this is me being selfish. just for a minute.
you wanted to sleep with him, not just because it was sex.
i understand that now.you hung out with him because you wanted to, not because it was easier.
at anna's when you were holding him, kissing him. i thought you hated it and wanted it to be me.

no, how wrong was i, you were happy to be there with him.
when i told you that secret that almost destroyed me, you wanted to go back so he could make it better.
i held your hand, but he held your heart.


that was my slefishness, now when you read it you will say sorry to me. DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!

you said today "he said sorry to me, as if that will help things" you got angry when he said sorry, dont say it to me.

i'll make this car wreck of a mess our paridise again. i promise. i wont break mine if you wont break yours.


take me back to gore. where i can be no one, hurt no one.
x

mhm

school starts tomorrow.
i'm kinda scared
...mmm oh well


i love you
x

dada

die blond piece of trash, i'll show you. dont put your face near mine again or i really will break your jaw!

your back :)
your sad :(
that makes me sad :(
i wanna make it better

so i will.
i will make you feel better by treating you like a angel :)
ek het jou lief
xxxxxx

waiting..

I WILL KILL THAT BLACK PIECE OF CRAP WHO SHOULD CRAWL BACK INTO THE WHOSE HE SLIMED OUT OF MARIO!!!!!!

yes. HE DROVE MY CAR AND GOT IT IMPOUNDED, that means NO CAR!!!!!


NO FUCKING HAPPY! SO I GOING TO WRITE IN CAPS!!!!! GARH

HMPH. TO MAKE IT WORSE NIKKI IS BLAMING ME!!! FUCK THE WORLD, i swear i will kill her



come back now, to long. need you.

andy i love you
xxxxx

day 10 :) FINALLY

mario and eli, watch it. i scrapped you ebfore, and i will do it again if you EVER talk about MY girl like that.
that was disgusting.
i want you to burn in hell for all those things

i got a postcard from you today..it made my day :) honestly it did you have no idea...
i'm so hungry
i miss you and love you, tomorrow you are back.
i cant wait to hear your voice, touch your body and kiss your lips.


:(
i love you andy
be ok
xxxxxxx

day 9..aka one day left of hell and you are back

be alright andy, your the only one i have left.

i want you to be at my wedding, please?

i love you

dont make me hate the fire trucks, they're red. i dont want too.

unless i have too.

xxxx

2 days to go...aka day 8

today, i decided. I HATE LIFE its so stuipd.
i think...it should end.
yes thats right. everything should just END!
not be around anymore.

yeah...that would be nice.
i'd like that

your absence doesn't help this..'problem' of mine
so, come back!
because i want to be better
xxxxxx

day 7

little big plnaet...that is all.
xxxxx

oh..and i made brownies :)
xxxxx

day 6

well...i slept all day.
talked to em wright, and tylah.
got told something very interesting..

so very very tired
might sleep more
i miss YOU
xxx

day 5

gavin is going to die die die die die die
oh yes, thats right.
gavin austin will die.
today we started drinking at like..3pm
it was average, very very hard for me to keep the alcohol down i have to say. so eventually i gave up.
i brought nikki alcohol (ooohhh naughty) and also gavin. then we went to invis..BK is amazing! we also tryed ditching gavin at the beach..didnt work :(

BUT when we got back the cunt ditched us and went to some homo party then lied to us about where he went!!
we eventually found his car :)
along with brad mcsorily,ryan hannah and carl wright. daniel, antho, callum, ryan and i went to pay gav a visit :)

HE IGNORED US!!!
not impressed.
so we kicked his car :)
and sat on it.

shayden whipps is GAY! full on gay
pfft
gavin is going down
i WILL break his nose
then laugh in his face
ugh I HATE GAVIN!!

anyway...... i made antho and dan jealous :)
very happy with that.
drinking at st marys is making a come back


i love you and miss you :(
xxxxxxxx

day four

callums birthday, yup. YOU GUESSED IT all we heard all day was 'haha i can do this because i'm 18' i turned 18 the day before him and did i go around all day saying...look at me i'm fat and 18

stupid man. and just because i have 3 puffs on a pipe doesnt mean im high as fuck you dumb cunt, it was nothing. so dont go around trying to touch me because i'm high so i will think its funny. ugh, and no just because i'm 18 that does not mean i want to drink!

oh and i wnet to invercargill...i got a pipe. and we watched gavin walk around by himself for 3 hours while we drove around blatently ignoring the fact he wanted a ride...

fuck gavin.
i miss you.
i havn't heard from you since yesterday morning.
hope your all ok, or else i'd be pissed
ek het jou lief
xxxxxx

day three...

well it was my birthday, the second most hated day of my life next to christmas.

but i like the ipod so I'm happy spose :)

putting the nails in gains tires and callum jumping into the grass on the side of a random gravel road after a pokemon was DEFIANTLY  a highlight i must say.

stupid gavin, when will he learn.

if he had an alarm on his car this wouldn't happen to him.. well it would but then at least he'd know. lol

i cant wait for his tires to explode

i'll smile :)

i miss you like crazy.

dinner with the family was hell. UGH.

stupid nikki why cant she just behave like a normal human being, with emotions not just act and look like a brick.

oh well. at least someone loves me no matter how 'homo' i am nikki.

come back its hard without you

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

day two

went to invis with gavin...BORING
he is so creepy...
ugh
i miss you, come back to me.
it's my birthday tomorrow and i'm not even that excited. my friends are more excited for me. There is only one thing i want for my birthday..and that is em.
anything else is just MEH
you are safe, that is what matters to me most right now.
10 days is too long. fuck it.

everytime i'm down i think of my saturday and i smile :)
actually more like this :D
because saturday was amazing.

xxxxxxx

still day one

RIP tori wilson and isaac anderson

ok, so its still day one since she has gone far away.

10 days will be FOREVER! 

but when i get sad i remember my weekend.

the best day was saturday, i spent most of the day with you, really WITH you. in every sence of the word.

it was amazing, 8 innings as you said that night.

i really must thank Kings of Leon, they can do some amazing things which lead to my entertainment.

it was good to see ben too, he's a good man.

Callum touches MY girl again, i'll probably kil him. no joke.

i'm getting my fire arms license :)

scared!? good.

ok i'm off....

xxx

day one...

its only been a couple hours, and yet i cannot handle the separation!!! 

get back to new zealand! and dot get hot or stabbed or raped.

i'm really to lazy to extinct an entire country.

but i will if anything happens to you, trust me i will 

xxxx

rah

empty. . . .

Delta Dawn..

I. AM. OVVVERRR. IT.

yupp, no more aging, i refuse!
I WILL BE THIS AGE FOREVER!, and noone will stop me! gottit?! good!

hmmm im in quite a feral, fowl and angry mood. and yet i feel amazing!! its one of those moods when you feel absolutly crazy like you might kill someone, but you love every second of it.
yeah, wow. im sadistic :)

good.
ugh.
hate him -_-
like...ALOT.
i wanna kill something, like a fish. or my dog. no but then id be sad :(
so i'll settle for killing nikki :)


UGH SAVE ME!
now, you promised :(
xx

I LOVE THIS SONG...

I got fever ,
Running like a fire,
For you I will go all the way,
I wanna take you higher
I keep it steady
Cuz steady is how I feel it.
This beat is heavy, so heavy,
You gon feel it.

(Jai Ho)You are the reason that I breathe,
You are the reason that I still believe,
You are my destiny,
Jai Ho! Uh-uh-uh-oh!
No there is nothing that can stop us
Nothing can ever come between us,
So come and dance with me,
Jai Ho! (oohh)

Catch me, catch me, catch me, come and catch me,
I want you now,
I know you can save me, come and save me,
I need you now.
I am yours forever, yes, forever, I will follow,
Anywhere in anyway,
Never gonna let go.

(Jai Ho) Escape away
I'll take you to a place,
This fantasy of you and me,
I'll never lose the chase. (Jai Ho)

I can feel you,
Rushing through my veins,
There's an notion in my heart,
I will never be the same.

Just keep it burnin', yeah baby,
Just keep it comin',
You're gonna find out, baby,
I'm one in a million.

I need you,
Gonna make it,
I'm ready,
So take it!

(Jai Ho)No there is nothing that can stop us,
Nothing can ever come between us,
So come and dance with me,
Jai Ho! (You and me, it's destiny)

so far i have been...

almost punched

yelled at

screamed at

jumped on

almost raped

hugged

slapped

peer pressured

and kissed (on the cheek dw em x)

i haven't been here 24 hours yet!!!! 

i hate gore.

i hate bex cavanough for always being around

i hate that bitch that was on my car

i hate that josh guy who was in my car

i hate jess who picked on hana

i hate nikki for being a slut

i hate simon for yelling LESBIAN at me

i hate james for getting on me

and most of all i hate sam and chloe for not leaving me the fuck alone.

ok done

xxx

A love story...

The first time you talked to me, I thought nothing of it.

You were just the new girl.

The second time you talked to me, I still thought nothing of it.

You were still just another girl I went to school with.

The third time you talked to me, it was casual conversation.

Just like the days before.

The fourth time you talked to me, it was still the same.

You were becoming a regular in the circle at lunch.

The fifth time you talked to me, I realized you were not just another girl.

You were different, and i like it!

I wanted to take back what i had said about you- i realized i was wrong.

Then you talked to me every day for the next two weeks, and i thought something of it.

For time being, you were just a friend... but a much needed one

You saved me.

We went through it all...

The moments in the sun

The laughter

The bruises and broken ribs

The jokes

The silly flirting

The innocent looks

The first kiss

The mistakes

The first time I looked at you that way

The first time you looked at me that way

The first I love you.

The first moment of connection

The questions

The answers

The title of US

The smiles

The Dramas

The pain

The tears 

We have our own heaven that we hide in and that I want to live in forever. Yes it has its flaws and its hardships but what doesn't? Nothing is perfect.......

Except you!

I don't think i am good enough for you, you don't think your good enough for me.

I think its my fault, you think it is yours.

I think I treat you like shit, you think you ask too much of me.

I think you are perfect, you think I'm perfect.

I love you, you love me too!

I'll never leave you, you promised you will never leave me too.

I'm not good at writing or expressing how I feel so please just know I love you Princess.. always have always will!

I will do my best to fix this... and trust me when I say it I will do my best!

Lauren you promised you wouldn't fall in love with me....

I have never been happier that someone has broken a promise to me!!

Ek het jou lief

Love your Em! xxx

(and even though you gave me your password I am still classing this as hacking lol!)

freaxxx

i HATE my roommate.
she can fuck off.
and never walk in on me and my angel again.

DIE

uggh.
im SO not happy right not.
there were things that i wanted that i did not get, and i am not happy about that.

3weeks :(
i'm crying. thats how bad that is.
i will NEVER have sex with anyone else. let alone a guy.
so dont tell me thats what i need. because i dont! you sound like a guy saying 'your only a lesbian because you want dick but cant get it'
dont say i need sex with a guy. i dont need it, and i dont want it.
if i was going to sleep with anyone else. it would be a girl. but i wont do that!
so fuck.
ok

rant of the day over.
xx

sweet dreams are made of this..

imagine being in a car crash, passing out and waking up in a hospital bed after having the fright of your life, in both physical and emotional pain.
who would you want to see by your bed side? half asleep trying to stay awake to watch over you after staying up since they got the news just to make sure you were OK. who would you want that to be?

If your family was killed in a accident, who would you want to come to you, hold you and tell you it would all be OK. whisper in your ear about nothing important at all just so you know that you have someone there for you, that will hold you through every tear, breakdown and painful moment.

If you got into a fight with your best friend, who would you want to take your side and say 'its their loss, your an amazing person'

If you won an important award, that you had worked your whole life for, put blood, sweat and tears into. who would you want sitting in the front row, crying tears of happiness along with you. and when you come down and sit in the crowd the one who hugs you and tells you how proud they are of you. and how much they love you and deserve that prize.

In the morning when you roll over in the one you love's arms. who is that person?

who is it you see waiting for you as you walk down the isle?
who is it you want to help raise, teach, discipline, play with and influence your children?
who do you want to kiss goodbye every morning before work?
kiss hello when you get home?
and kiss just before you fall asleep, just to say 'see you when you wake up my love'

i do love you.
but if that person is not me,
i will not understand,
i will not be happy,
i will be hurt,
and my heart will be broken.
BUT i will still be your friend,
i will still hold you through hard times,
when a boy hurts you i will still kick him in the balls
and i will still laugh with you.
you will always be my angel. no matter how hard it may be for me, i will always care for you.
my first true love.
till the day i die, you will always be the one.
xxxx

ugh.

i can only write when i have made a decision.
i dont know what to do..

sheila winn...

absolutly amazing.
you were perfect. everything about it, especially your low cut top, which i admit did capture my attention 60% of the time ;)

i put up with him being there, with help from hannah and tylah holding my head to the seat.
but you really were AMAZING. i'm so proud of you angel.

and i love you so much too.
xxxxxx

lies!! all lies

fuck i hate chapel, its a fucking cult. i refuse to be apart of a cult that praise's someone that gives people their sight. FUCK YOU, lies all lies.

its not that i don't BELIEVE in god. i just refuse to believe that fucking Jew Jesus preformed miracles. ugh.
what a joke.
i will never sing to him.

SCREW YOU DANA BOND! make gore proud not loose!!!!!!
ugh

ahh

i love her.
TWO OF THE BEST TINGS!! ruby AND little big planet!!!! like OMG!

so very cute..


I think im whipped...damn rove

!!

BRIT!!!

i love ruby rose
sorry emily. but she is my new love :)

x

heaven would be me renting a hotel room, and you falling asleep in my arms.
x

i'll make my heaven on earth

<<<333

If you are scared. i will protect you.
If you are sad. i will comfort you.
If you are angry. i will be your punching bag.
If you are happy. i will smile with you.
If you are stressed. i will help you relax.
If you are alone. i will be there.

I believe, just like you do. the difference is that i follow my heart, not my head. because if i follow my head. i know its wrong.
The bit about him loving everyone for who they are. true. sins can be forgiven. true.
and the problem with that part is what?

you shouldn't be worried about them leaving you. they should be worried about losing you because your the most precious thing.
If they lost you, that's their loss! not yours.
but i know how you feel. i wont argue.

best scenario...
you tell them. they act, as you expect, but ultimately decide that your happiness is most important and accept you.
If that was the case then i would do my very best to charm and impress your family. you'd be lucky if they loved you as much as they would love me after that.. then you really would be unloved
:)

you have NO idea how badly and how often i am tempted to kiss you. or forget where we are and want to touch you, kiss you, hold you.
that would shut Hannah up about Alex for a good 5minutes I'd say.

wow...

I talked to you today.
I miss you so much.
When i talk to you, i cant help but be happy. Excited even.
You got me through so much in my life.
You were always there for me no matter what.
Thank you for listening to me again.
I could never replace you.
I love you
xo

Flightless bird, American Mouth

I know you wont decide for yourself, i know you don't want to hurt me or leave me.
but i see how much this hurts you. lying to your family. I know how much they mean to you.
and i also hear it in your voice that you know, deep down, we wont work.
it breaks me apart hearing that in your voice, seeing it in your eye's.

i hate it.
i should leave but i cant stop being selfish...
i know what i have to do, I'm just to self centered to let you go, to give you what you need, even though you might not want it.

i can't give you some things. i wish i could. i so badly want to be able to give you them.
If only i had that one urge that could fix it, if that was what i needed to do to feel like myself then it would work. But i cant, even though it has the possibility to help. i can not do that one thing.
i wouldn't be me. i want to be with you as i am, not as someone else.

To leave you is the most painful thing i have ever thought about.
But. . . i have to do it.
sooner rather than later i know that.
i just don't have the strength to right now. I don't feel like i can leave you and be ok.

writing this feels like its final, its not. i will always love you.ALWAYS.
Till the day i die, whenever that may be
we have to talk, before the holidays.
we really do.
your my angel, my everything.
It hurts to say your better off without me.

Remember when we were this happy?










I'll forever love you Emily.
Ek Het Jou Lief, i know it's reciprocated my love.









xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

haga..

"i wish we could start over, can we start over"

i like that, can we do that? just.. start over like what it was last year when i spent my time obsessing over you, looking at you then quickly looking away before you noticed. flirting my heart out, hoping you would notice but at the same time hoping you wouldn't. because if you did notice AWESOME! you spoke my language, i had a chance, but if you didn't notice that means you weren't into that..
yeah that's how my mind works.
flirting is fun for me. keeps me interested. I'm a serial flirter... yeah i flirt with most people i meet. ^_^
its just who i am
we don't flirt as much any more...
i think we should... all the time. like we used to :)

xxx

i kind of feel like dying
jumping off the balcony is tempting, very very tempting.

i want to end it, not in the suicidal way.
there's a tiny part that wants to be free. . .
but i cant. I really really don't want to. . i cant ignore that tiny part though.

but i will never leave. never end it. never be separated from what i love.
it hurts just a bit TOO much, i said i wouldn't let it happen again.

oh well.

ek het jou lief
xx

iiiiiii tunes

today i got depressed. fuck writing.
_____________________________
Open your player and:

Total number of tracks: 2241

Sort by sone title:
-First song: A.M. E.M. - Minuit
-Last song: Zombie Stomp - Rob Zombie

Sort by time:
-Shortest song: Incoming - Hilltop Hoods (0:16)
-Longest song: Club Mixes Hip hop Mix - Dj Whity (57:48)

Sort by album:
- First song: Drop - Ying Yang Twins - A.T.L. Hole
-Last song: All your love - Hellogoodbye - Zombies! Aliens! Vampires!

Top 10 most played songs:
1. Master Of Puppets - Metallica
2. Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
3. Let Me Sign - Rob Pattenson
4. Kandyland - Brokencyde
5. Young - Hollywood Undead
6. Paradise Lost - Hollywood Undead
7. A Hofasho - Brokencyde
8. Shooting star party rock remix - LMFAO ft Pitbull
9. Bawitdaba - Kid Rock
10. Indestructible - Disturbed

Five first songs that come up on Party Shuffle:
1. this cocain makes me feel like im on this song - System of a Down
2. Lit Up - Blindspott
3. In my head - queens of the stone age
4. Tipsy - T-pain
5.This Love - Pantera

Search.....
"sex" how many come up? 18
"love" how many come up? 104
"you" how many come up? 235
"death" how many come up? 35
"hate" how many come up? 25
"wish" how many come up? 4

I AM :

amazing
fantastic
perfect
beautiful
loving
caring
sympathetic
warm
passionate
affectionate
devoted
adoring
wonderful
excellent
bizarre
outstanding
impressive
ideal
second to none
flawless
faithful

no other girlfriend would be OK with you having a boyfriend, kissing him. being with him.

but in order for you to be happy and for us to work, i will give you anything.

the paranoia in me is nothing, because look at the big list of everything that i am!!
how can you resist me!
YOU CANT, i just keep reminding myself that.
And it will work

aside from cooking in my own skin, today was good!
my tiger costume was like totally hot! literally, and it put me in a odd cuddly mood... i figure because i look cuddly ( and i totally was ) i feel cuddly.
everyone was cuddly, especially you :)

today Kelsey and I defaced a car outside Rangi... that was fun










started off clean









ended up like this..










we were stoked
xx

ironic that his name is Chris

i LOVE chris
he is my idol
he lived the life i'd love to live, with the people he loved.
he is off skins. like OMG he is was fucking awesome, him and cassie are like..my idols. more chris though.

too bad about him though. oh well... bad things happen to good people.
but FUCK IT for chris!
i want to live like he did, fuck everything else but what matter's

x

schizophrenia

BROKENCYDE

say it fast enough..you can hear my feelings. too bad I'm too different to feel a thing atm.
so this band name is the closest i can get to actually saying whats inside
i want to be a whore.
:)

"get crunk get drunk get fucked up"

"your so fucked up"

"I'm trapped inside this cage tonight! you torture my brain with blades and knives! I need you to try to save my life! before i go insane!"

"shut the fuck up bitch, quit talking. I want to see those panties dropping. drop dropping. drop dropping. drop those fucking panties girl!"

"I'm looking good and you know it too. so tell me why should i, fuck with you."

i love brokeNCYDE

'edward leaned his head against the same shoulder where he'd placed Renesmee. "goodbye, Jacob, my brother...my son" '

TEAR

' "now you know," I said lightly, and shrugged. "no one's ever loved anyone as much as i love you." '

' And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever '

i have a tiger suit, i'm going to wear it tomorrow.
It will be so cool.
I'm cool.

x

too much...

READ THIS CHRIS FOLEY

fuck you! HA, i'm back to normal finally.
it feels AMAZING.

THAT. reminded me of her. just how she act's..acted. back then.
good.
that's what i needed.
i don't even know whether that was sarcasim or not.

Te Puku Paekaua

is it better? are those the wrong choice of words?

is it... tolerable now?

will i be able to let go and relax now?

sometimes its better, sometimes its not.. it changes almost hourly.. like today..started ok, went to bad and by the end of it we were laughing together on the couch..

the stress of always having to be in control hurts my head :(

I'm so confused

we work something out.. but it keeps coming back

I think we need to have a proper talk.. not over text or in a spare ten minutes where you have to see me..

a talk where we can sit down without being pressured to get it out quickly because you have to leave soon or cant stay long.

some might call this a date.

but how crazy is that idea.. actually going on a DATE with my girlfriend. PFFT

i know that makes me sound..bitchy..thats not how i meant it.. its just the way it came out

i WANT to help..i really do. trust me. i just don't know how.. we will figure it out together.. and it will be fine.

that initial.MAJOR feeling of yours will go away, i promise. i will help. It will get better.

remember i cannot lie to you.. so when i say it will get better..i must be telling the truth right?! lol

ONE A BRITER NOTE

gore was AMAZING this weekend, if i hadn't spent sunday there too it would have been premo!

it was just so relaxed..no stess i could completly relax without that little feeling inside me. it was so SO cool

i would like to do it again sometime..only with one small thing changed.

ok im done

ek het jou lief

xxxx

. . .LMFAO

HIS name starts with C. HE is a asshole. HE should have been left to die in the gutter last night. but NO...HE is still fucking alive and in my fucking way.
I'll kill HIM. i swear to god i will fucking kill HIM with my hands wrapped around HIS neck, i will not let go till HE is breathing no more.

and no, I'm not talking about Callum, my hands wouldn't fit around his neck.

kill kill kill. . .die die die
arrogant piece of crap that HE is, UGH.

OK that's my wee angry note..

hmmm I'm scared to lose you, lose you to him. i don't want to not have you in my life.
i feel like what you are saying to me, you say to hi also.
when you say he doesn't mean a thing, that you feel sick whenever you kiss him or touch him, that you don't love him..what if that is how you feel about me, not him.
i don't know why i think this..because it doesn't make sence, why would you do that. it wouldn't achieve anything except hurting me because no one knows so its not like your doing it for a cover..
I'm just to insecure about everything. you know?

i do love you, its not just lust..like i thought. i love you.
but what if I'm not all you want, what if i cant give you what you want. what if you love someone else.
one of them. the one you said you could love. how will i cope when he comes back and you actually like spending time with him, being with him, kissing him..

i wont pretend that it doesn't make me want to throw up. That i don't wish i could you let be happy.
it hurts to much angel. but if i keep ignoring this, if it happens, i wont no how to deal with it. I'll break. on the other hand if i deal to it now and its never an issue what if there's a chance i interfere with my feelings..or lose them. it would be hard,but what if...

just because you can spend time with him..does that mean you have to?
i know, I'm selfish..but can you blame me..YOUR PERFECT!
and perfection is so addictive, once you've had it..nothing will ever compare
nothing will compare to the way you look at me, the way your touch makes my stomach flip over itself, the way when you kiss me all thought and rational thinking goes out the window. The things that I've seen..I've never seen anyone or anything so beautiful and perfect.like WOW.
so anyone else..will never compare to the perfection of you.
so I'm pretty much fucked if you fall for one of them aren't i?!

You've changed me so much angel. I don't know how but you have..you have this calming effect on my..you bring out the child in me.
and i enjoy it, you separate me from my mind and allow me to have fun.
i love you, always have always will.

as for the other two..do what makes you happy.

Pretty Little Things

ITS BETTER

well mostly, the freak out i had, there is no need for it so i suppose you could say, its better! :)
i actually had fun today, i cant explain why but for some reason it felt normal and back to the way it used to be. there wasn't to much going on in the back of my head so i could relax alot more.
i loved it.
i love you too, you make me so completely happy ^_^

one day, i will give you this ring, and it will be AWESOME


but only if you want that one..maybe this one..i like them both

hmm so yes..lol
bubi x

No added sugar or preservitivs

no words can describe the INTENSITY of last night, it was BIG. so much ahppend, so much was said and shared with everyone.

1. im so glad you told me that, that you trust me enough with that secret. its a big thing. he sounds cute though..i'll always be here if you need it. like i told you.
2. im so sorry i did that to you, i should have kept it to myself. you dont deserve this, what im doing to you. i will fix it, and that will be the end of it. no more drama, no issues, just you and me.
3.you never told me, never mentioned it. not once. how many times? did he satisfy you? she is one of your best friends, how did it happen? did you say the same to him as me? were you going out with jordan at the time? or was it after, when it was just me and you? these questions..i cannot get them out of my head.

i dont know what to do. its scary.
i need gore
xoxox

.....

my worst mistake was doubting you.
im so sorry.
please forgive me, you know i am fucked up, i've let you into the inner workings of my mind and you know how screwed i am.
i trust you, you KNOW that. I cannot lie to you, it's to hard. thats why i have to tell you everything i think because you ask me how i am.

no matter what, i will always be insecure babe. im not perfect, and even though i trust you more than i trust anyone ( hell id trust you with my metallica songs! thats ALOT of trust x )
but i still feel like you would/could leave me at any moment because of the simple fact. im not good enough for you. i never have been. you deserve to be happy and to have fun and all of those things that make life worthwile. i dont know if i can give you that, i dont see myself as able to make you happy because i fall in comparison to you, your an angel, perfect in everyway. no flaws what so ever.
so, you see, i dont deem myself worthy of you and so i think you will leave me at any time to have someone thats closer to how perfect you are.

and the family thing is hard to get over soo...

i love you and..
im sorry
x

...

You cannot come to gore with me at all this year, nor can you travel anywhere i am and i do not have the right to be upset or angry about that.
you do not belong to me, i understand that.
your family come's first it always will, i understand that too.
so i have faced the most horrid truth yet, one that i cannot deny or hide or pretend that i dont see, because its to big. I would lie if i said to you i dont care if i get hurt, i cannot lie to you. its impossible.
i DO care if i get hurt by this, if my heart is broken again it will not heal, this time it will be final.
i dont want to hurt it, but in order to keep it from being broken i feel like i must.
i dont even want to say it because i know when you know what i know, if you havn't already realized that you will understand what i'm saying and agree with me and ultamatly, thats what will hurt. because you will leave me and i will have nothing.

i want to tell you.
i dont want to lose you.
i want to be selfish.
i dont want my heart broken.
i want you to THINK like i do.
i dont want you to choose for me.

im so sorry.
this is TO hard.

BUT
i will keep fighting until you finally say the words i dont want to hear, but know are bound to come.
just dont choose the wrong one because once its done, i wont be around for you to change your mind.

ek het jou lief my angel
forever and always
untill i die
xxxxxxxxxx

.

I HATE CHRIS FOLEY


die

=]

No matter what i still and will always...

.
.
.
.
.
.
love you
x
.
.
.
.
.
Forever my Angel

All For One

. . . . .River Flows in You by Yiruma most beautiful piano piece iv heard in a very long time.
also Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World, another wonderful song.

And let us not forget Love Story by Taylor Swift.
each of these songs are simply amazing, they can almost make me cry. which is difficult as some people know, i don't cry easily.

ok.. RANT TIME!

what pisses me off:

people who have difficulty breathing
Chris
Jordan
Ben
Ash
people who multi task when they shouldn't be
Emma Price's dandruff problem
Emma Price's smell
people telling me what to do
Mrs Lightfoot
Mrs Ditfort
people trying to sing when they cant
people eating my shit
fat people wearing spandex (barf)
Lucy Dewhurst (nuf said)
not getting what i want
people coming onto me
people flirting with me
people drinking MY LnP

i know..I'm being a bitch but I DON'T CARE! im in a bad mood and i want to yell
also I'm not too fond of the 'colored' people atm..especially those fucking 11yearolds yelling things at me while I'm walking to Merivale. I mean honestly, your 11!! get a fucking life i do not want to 'sit on your lap'...homo's..go back to africa and get AIDS.

yeah, bitchy i know.
thats how i feel atm so sue me.

what i do like though is:

Fighting e.g.
punching
kicking
biting
slapping
flicking
and pinching
MY one and only

and thats it :)
have a nice day mother fuckers
xx

LOL

SUMMER JAM SOON!! Yay
Am excited as hell, and then wellington the next day, lots of shopping and art expo. Yay for me!

today has been like..awesome! the 2nd best day of my life so far i would say.
As long as i don't think about the conditions of my happiness...I will stay this happy :)

I decided, i hate ALL boys. Not just one or two, all of them. Every last disgusting mongrel.
They should all leave me alone, i thought if i didn't go out with them they'd stay away. but NO. They're still in my life and affect me more than usual. UGH. One day, they will not be around. And THEN i will be extremely happy, happy forever and ever with one person for the rest of my life.exciting stuff that, very exciting.

Kirby, Emily EW and myself all just chilling...we are so exciting.
This day we got Thai, it was really good.
then we watched Grey's Anatomy.








Kirby's from Alex...lol
and she say's Gore's a hole. What a joke.


How is my Brittany?
i miss you.

i went to a party on friday, it was...interesting. I was hi. And i liked it.
there was someone missing from it though, someone that would have made this party much better than it was anyway.

xxx

Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll

tempting....oh so VERY tempting, it would be so easy to just. do it. but i wont, i cant do that to someone i love.

new years: interesting...very interesting, not what i expected but it was good, the getting only an hour sleep though. not so fun.

will you marry me?

that, folks. is a interesting question that provokes much thought, even to someone as young as 17, its nice to

think 'what if..'
.id like to be asked that question..truth is, i would love to. more that just love to, i would jump at the chance. thinking about it makes me excited and get little butterfly's in my stomach, like when you kiss that special someone.
there are two sides of it, logic and my heart. i often don't listen to logic like..EVER. but i fear this time i might just have to.

i love you. unconditionally, its just very hard not to listen to everyone else, everyday.
oh well, who said love was easy? good thing fighting is a passion of mine.

I'm finally back on, yay! took me a while with school and..all the other crap going on.
how is everyone?? good i hope.

what sort of dress should i have for my ball?? suggestions would be greatly appreciated considering the only advise i was given was 'make sure its see through'. no Eli, it will not be see through. lol

that' s all for now ^_^

xoxo
below is the great video of some of the members in my year attaching bra's to Christ's College gate at 4am on Friday..good times